Campus is eerily quiet. Common spaces are empty. Everyone is masked to the point that recognition rarely comes easily. There is so much disconnect. Classes are all online and the Zoom fatigue is getting real. This is our reality and it is so... weird.
I feel stuck sometimes. They said, “establish a routine”. They said, "do whatever you can to not lose touch with the world". They said, "hold on to hope”. I took a summer class, I did what I could to minimize stress. I went into this year thinking “How bad could it be?”
Never did I think that I would get to a point where wearing a mask, getting a COVID-19 test each week and spending hours on end in my room would become a norm for me. This year has felt like a reset, that really is the best way I can describe it. I went into this year with a mindset ready for college adjustment and got a rude awakening from literally every other aspect of life.
This fall, I laid on a pretty heavy semester, with a schedule that was 60% STEM courses. I ended up dropping one of the classes for my sanity. It is impossible to have it all together especially in such unprecedented times. I was upset with myself and have been upset with myself. Why was I not capable of balancing it all? Does my dropping this class and pushing it to next semester constitute failure? Is there something wrong with me because everyone around me seems to be handling the pandemic and social distancing so well whilst I am sinking?
The answer is no, it has to be no. I cannot compare the way I choose to handle things to the way others do, the only thing I can do is learn. The only thing anyone can ever do is just learn. I translated my normal life to a life that was ridden by a global pandemic. I thought that I could do it all but sometimes you can’t and it is okay. It has to be okay.
This semester has thrown a lot my way mentally, physically, relationally, and spiritually. I have never felt so stagnant. I want to do more, I want to see more. I want to break out of the routine I have that NEVER changes, life is not a routine. My life has never been more routine than it is right now. Every hour of my day is locked in a Google Calendar and any other year that would have been fine but, I look at my calendar and just want to scream.
Join this Zoom call for class. Join this Zoom call for virtual game night. Join my Zoom call, I want to talk to you. We have a club meeting tonight, join the Zoom call. I am so drained. It’s not about using the blue light glasses to protect my eyes or making my workspace comfortable. I hate my workspace now, I dread it. I have never felt more unmotivated.
I feel like I am always racing. Racing to finish an assignment, racing to get the reading done before class, racing to cheer practice, racing to my job. Always racing. You can only run for so long, I haven’t stopped running. This is so tough and a challenge I have never faced before in my life.
Why did I write this? I don’t know. Believe me, I wanted to write something inspiring, I wanted to be able to say “I made it through the semester, you can too!”. I think I have been struggling to find the words to say how I feel and decided to put all out here. When the pandemic began, I don’t think I felt isolated or really even felt its worldly impacts. I just need someone out there who is struggling to know they aren’t alone. I just want someone out there to know that there are tough sides to being a college student at this time.
I feel like I needed this semester. I needed this semester to adjust to the new normal. I don’t know when this is going to end and I can’t wait around for it to do so. So what am I going to do? Stop and breathe. Stop and think about what makes me happy and what makes me feel stuck? What of the things that bring me joy can I replicate? What is making me feel so stuck?
Finals season is coming up soon and next thing you know, the new semester begins. I hope to learn from this semester and channel my strengths into the next. I hope you guys are doing okay and if not, I PROMISE you, that is okay. Feel free to connect with me on Instagram @gpsneededblog or shoot me an email.
Love Always,
Karen